Fic: QaF: Into My Arms: Part Two
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Into My Arms: Part Two

The Barbie Castle had been a little larger than he thought, and the expression on his assistant’s face when he brought it into his office was priceless. Still, Brian couldn’t help but feel that buying his way into Belle’s affections would be the most expedient way to accomplish the feat. Not that Belle seemed to dislike him; no, she seemed okay with Brian, but he certainly wasn’t her favorite person, and he didn’t mind using his money to try to change that.

The flight to New York was uneventful. Brian didn’t fly himself, using instead the pilot he kept on call so that he could work during the trip, putting some final touches on a few emails dressing down some assholes in the art department who were allowing the new interns to slack off more than usual. The landing was a little jerky, but nothing too terrible, and Justin and Belle were waiting for him at the end of the concourse, just outside the security gates.

Belle was dressed in a pink paisley cordoroy jumper, sucking on another lollipop, and holding a Barbie doll by the hair, its feet dragging on the rough concourse carpet. She smiled at him and waved. “Hi,” she said.

“Hey” Brian replied, holding the giant gift bag with the Barbie castle in one hand, his carry-on luggage over his shoulder, and a bottle of wine for Justin in the other.

Justin took the wine from him and slipped an arm around his waist. “It was a long three days,” Justin said, lowering his lashes, and smiling hotly.

Brian smirked, his blood rushing a little faster, and how did Justin do that to him anyway, with just a look and a smile? Brian’s reaction was nearly Pavlovian and the smug expression on Justin’s face let Brian know that Justin knew it, too.

“Is that my present?” Belle asked, pointing with her lollipop at the Beauty and the Beast gift bag.

Brian kneeled down, a big effort with the bag on his back and the huge present in his hand. “A castle for my princess,” Brian said with only the smallest hint of mocking in his voice, the best that he could manage.

Belle’s eyes widened and she grabbed at the bag, dropping her Barbie on the ground.

“You didn’t,” Justin was saying, while trying to help Belle get the bag open with out ripping it apart. “Brian, really, have you any idea how much I despise Barbies and was hoping to never have to actually buy this for her…”

Brian, still straining to keep his bag on his back, kept in position and helped Belle pull the giant box out of the bag. She squealed with delight, hopping up and down, shrieking, “Castle, castle, castle!”

“I hope you like it,” Brian said, grunting as he tried to stand back up. “Your dad can carry it to the car.”

“Gee, thanks,” Justin said, passing the much less unwieldy bottle of wine back to Brian and lifting the box. “I guess you’ll be hailing the cab,” he said as he tried to see around the top of the box.

“Got a limo waiting,” Brian answered.

“God, Brian, you always go overboard.”

Belle ran out ahead of them, spinning around and leaping in dance arobesques, still dragging her beat-up Barbie by the hair.

“If you hate them so much,” Brian began. “Why does she even own any?”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Christ, have you met my daughter? She always gets her way.”

“I wonder where she gets that from,” Brian said, purposely bumping Justin’s shoulder and jostling him.

“I can’t imagine,” Justin replied, dryly.

The limo ride was annoying, mainly because Justin kept explaining to Belle why they could not set the castle up inside the car.

“But there’s plenty of room!” Belle argued, reasonably.

“Belle, this isn’t Brian’s car, honey. We’d have to take it down again when we got home.”

“Let’s do that!”

“No,” Justin answered, scratching his ear and looking lost. “We’ll set it up in your room when we get home. That’s my final answer.”

Belle turned to Brian. “But, Brian, there’s room in the car!”

Brian rapped on the window and asked the driver if he had a pocket knife so that he could open the box.

::::

“Listen,” Justin said as the driver was helping Belle disassemble the castle and put the many parts back into the box for transport into the apartment. “I know you want her to like you, but you can’t undermine me like that.”

“Sure I can, Sunshine. I think I did, actually.”

“Brian—“

“Look, Justin, she’s your kid. I’m not even her babysitter.”

“If you’re going to be my partner, then I’m going to need your help with her.”

Brian slung an arm around Justin’s shoulder and watched Belle scramble around the back of the limo, getting in the way of the driver, and generally making the entire process more difficult. “I’m helping with her.”

Justin sighed and shrugged. “Fine, but all of my prior boyfriends tried the whole thing of buying her affection. I was kind of hoping you’d be more creative than this.”

“Yes, Justin, I’m sure that my sweetly sour personality was going to win her over. And let’s get this straight. I’m not your boyfriend.”

“You don’t do boyfriends,” Justin muttered.

Brian swung him around, putting his forehead on Justin’s and meeting his eyes. People were walking by all around them on the sidewalk, but no one was truly looking at them. They might as well have been alone. “Didn’t you hear what I said the other day?”

Justin shrugged still frowning. “You said you loved me. It was nice to hear.”

Brian ducked his head and whispered, “Then let me say it again. I love you. Let me buy your kid’s affections, okay? It might be my only chance at making this thing work.”

Justin chuckled under his breath. “You underestimate your charm, Mr. Kinney.”

“You underestimate how big of an asshole I can be.”

“Ha, you wish I could underestimate that, but sorry, Mr. Kinney, I know exactly how big of an ass you are.”

Brian lifted Justin’s face and kissed him, the sounds of honking cars, yelling kids, and the general roar of city life all around him. A small tug on his jacket broke the moment.

“Brian, can I have ice cream now?”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Do not say yes.”

Brian started to say yes, but Justin clamped a hand over his mouth. “Belle, Brian is not your daddy. I am. And I said no ice cream until after dinner.”

Belle frowned, but grabbed Brian’s hand. “Can you play Barbies with me now?”

Brian looked at Justin, the sun pouring from the sky, the autumn leaves at his feet, his arms crossed over his chest, looking tired and happy at the same time. “Point the way, Princess,” Brian said, lifting Belle up into his arms.

After dinner there was ice cream, and then Belle put on her Beauty and the Beast pajamas and Brian asked her to dance with him. Justin sat on the sofa with a glass of wine and watched them. When Belle asked Brian to read her bedtime story to her, Justin snorted and said, “Okay, affection has been officially purchased. I’ll have you know, there shall be no refunds or exchanges.”

“For fifteen more dollars can I buy a lifetime warranty?” Brian said, pulling Justin up into his arms for a long kiss.

He wouldn’t have stopped except that Belle tugged on his hand and said, “Come on, Beast. I want you to read the long book to me. “ As he allowed her to drag him down the short hallway to her bedroom, she went on, “It’s fifteen whole pages. I counted.”

::::

Justin’s apartment was in the East Village and consisted of five rooms and a kitchen. It was smaller than Brian would have liked, mainly because when they fucked they had to actually consider whether or not Belle might hear them, which put a slight damper on Brian’s libido, but not so much of one that they didn’t fuck three times a day anyway.

Brian wasn’t sure how much longer he could put out at those levels, even though Justin’s body drove him as crazy as it ever had, age wasn’t kind and he hated the idea of resorting to chemical induced hard-ons and ending up in the ER like Ted, Mikey, and Ben. Still, he might need to give his doctor a call and get a prescription. He’d hate to let Justin down by being unable to give him the fuck of his life at any given moment. He had Justin’s memory of a younger, stronger, hotter Brian to protect.

Brian had intended to only stay for five days, but on the eighth afternoon of Brian’s rapidly extending visit they set out to eat at St. Dymphna’s. It was a bar, but if they sat outside, Belle could still be served her favorite crab cakes. The bar’s yellow exterior nearly glowed in the autumn light, and it was cool enough that they all ordered hot tea and kept their coats on.

The excursion took place after Brian had delegated most of his work to Cynthia and Ted by telephone, ignoring Ted’s annoying, cloying, and sometimes insightful comments about Brian’s current situation with Justin. (“It’s like they say in AA, ‘ the road to sobriety is a simple journey for confused people with a complicated disease ‘” “What the fuck are you talking about, Ted.” “I’m just saying to take this one day at a time; don’t let your disease fuck this over for you.” “I’m not an alcoholic, Theodore.” “You know what disease I’m talking about, Brian.” “Can you hear me rolling my eyes? Take over the Tyler meetings from Anderson, and call the Rhinehouses about the next campaign.” “I’m not your errand boy anymore. I’ll delegate this stuff.” “Whatever, just get it done.” “Oh, and, hey, Brian, don’t place conditions on your sobriety, okay?” “Theodore, don’t make me fire you.” “You can’t. I’m a partner.”)

The waiter taking their order was gay and, Brian thought, probably looking for a sugar daddy because he had eyes only for Brian. Little did the waiter know that with the profits Justin had earned from Rage he could probably buy Brian’s ass three times over. Still, the guy was hot, with honey-colored eyes that sparkled when he smiled, which he did a lot.

“Brian,” Justin said, glancing at him meaningfully after the waiter had walked away with their orders. “Don’t you need to go to the bathroom?” He lifted his brows and nodded toward the door to the restaurant.

“No, but thanks for your concern, Sunshine.”

Justin nearly gaped for a moment and then leaned forward saying under his breath, “Why the hell not?”

Brian lifted his shoulders and said, “Because I don’t need to urinate or defecate right now?”

“You know what I mean, Brian. I’ll wait here with Belle.”

Brian laughed under his breath and shook his head. Justin frowned, leaned back in his chair and watched Brian with narrowed eyes for a few minutes.

“What do you want me to say, Sunshine?” Brian asked, exasperated.

“I want you to go to the damn bathroom.”

Belle looked up from the coloring book where she’d been diligently coloring Elmo a livid red. She watched in confusion as Brian and Justin stared at each other. “I’ll go with you, Brian, if you’re scared,” she finally said.

Brian couldn’t repress a small laugh at that. “It’s okay, Belle. I don’t need to go to the bathroom. Your Daddy is being ridiculous.”

Justin frowned throughout lunch, stabbing at his food, and only lightening up when Belle addressed him. Brian ate in near silence as well, answering Belle’s questions when asked something directly, a feeling of dread and frustration making his skin feel tight and his legs jumpy.

The walk back to the apartment was tense. Justin and Belle walked ahead of Brian who took his time behind them, stepping on the fallen leaves in their path, enjoying the sound of them crunching under his feet, it somehow took the edge off.

It was still light out, so when Belle swung into Tompkins Square Park, they just followed her to the playground, and sat down stiffly on the bench to watch. Brian had been careful to sit within touching distance of Justin, but still kept his space. He put his elbows on his knees, leaned over and stared at the ground for a few minutes, looking up when he heard Belle shrieking from the top of the slide. She waved and slid down with a happy grin, and he waved back with one hand.

Finally, he turned to Justin. “What the fuck, Sunshine?”

Justin exhaled sharply, his body tense and face hard. “Why didn’t you fuck that guy?”

“Because I didn’t want to?” Brian asked, confused about why this was an issue. Once upon a time Justin had loathed the idea of Brian fucking other people, and while Justin had grown out of that, it made no sense that he’d be angry that Brian hadn’t fucked someone else.

“I don’t want to be monogamous,” Justin stated flatly.

“Who said anything about monogamy? I just didn’t want to fuck that guy.”

“You always fuck everyone,” Justin said, disbelievingly.

“Sunshine, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I’m forty-four years old, almost forty-five.” Brian left it at that, lifting his hands up in a gesture of defeat.

Justin looked at him sideways, a small smile starting to break over his mouth. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Christ, you’re wearing me out.”

“Yeah?”

Now Justin looked amused. Brian glared at him. “Fuck you.”

“I’ll get old one day, too,” Justin said, laughter barely hidden in his voice.

“Fuck you.”

“You can’t. You’re old.”

Brian grabbed him and started tickling him; Justin laughed and struggled to tickle back. Brian grabbed his head and kissed him, their mouths hot on each others in the cold air, the bite of the chill almost stinging when they pulled back.

“So, we’re not monogamous,” Justin said with relief.

“Fuck no. I’ll fuck who I want and you fuck who you want, but for God’s sake let me be the one who decides whom I stick my dick into.”

“Yeah, at your age you’ve only got so much dick to go around.”

Brian shot him another look and Justin grabbed him and they kissed again. The scream and thump pulled them apart. Before Brian could even turn his head to see what had happened, Justin was up and running across the playground. Belle sat at the bottom of the slide, holding her hand and crying. “It hurts! There’s bloooood!”

Brian ran over, too, but Justin was already soothing Belle. “It’s a scrape, sweetheart. Let’s go home and we’ll fix it up.”

“It huurrrts,” Belle cried, fat tears rolling down her red cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Justin murmured, lifting her into his arms and holding her head down on his shoulder. Brian stood awkwardly next to them, but Justin smiled in his direction. “It’s okay, Brian. Kids get hurt.”

“She’s all right?”

“It’s a scrape.”

“It hurrrts!” Belle told him again, snuffling with some snot running out of her nose.

Brian pushed her hair out of her face as Justin started walking toward the apartment.

After a few minutes, Belle stopped crying and fell asleep on Justin’s shoulder before they even reached home. Brian put his arm around Justin’s waist and when they reached their building, Brian pushed him toward the wall, leaned against him, and held him tight. Justin gazed up at him, Belle held between their bodies, and Brian kissed Justin’s mouth, soft and sweet, and then kissed the back of Belle’s head. “Let’s go inside,” Brian said.

“Okay, old man,” Justin replied.

::::

The twelfth night in Justin apartment started out like all of the others. They had managed to finally coerce Belle into bed; Brian tried bribery and Justin tried force of will, but it seemed that nothing much beyond sheer exhaustion really worked to bring the child to fall asleep.

Once she was definitely out cold, Justin tidied the apartment, cleaning up Belle’s various messes, throwing away popsicle sticks that seemed to accumulate in the cushions of the sofa even though Brian was completely sure that they’d both lain in wait to rip the stick from her little hands as soon as she was finished. Brian took this opportunity to check emails and voicemails again, sending off his commands with complete confidence that all orders would be executed first thing in the morning.

He read an email from Ted that was, for the most part, about a vital campaign he’d taken over awhile back, but in which Ted managed to bury another nugget of AA wisdom. This time it was “Being part of something is more important than being the center of attention.” Brian replied to the work-related aspect and ignored the rest.

Michael had sent an email, too. Ben was still struggling and the doctors hadn’t given him a lot of time when they reviewed his case a few months ago, but everyone pretended like nothing had changed. Michael’s email was the kind that Brian had been dreading, emotional and dramatic, definitely moving from denial into something else. Brian couldn’t tell if this was anger or bargaining or a bit of both, but the email required a phone call. He grabbed his cell and dialed the number. It went to voicemail. Brian felt guilty as he relaxed in relief.

“Mikey, I got your email. Call me when you get a chance.”

Justin walked into the bedroom, his expression tired and his body moving more slowly than usual. “Hey,” he said, not really looking at Brian. “I’m going to take a shower.”

Brian said nothing and Justin disappeared into the bathroom. After a few minutes and a few final emails, Brian stood up, walked to the door and entered. Justin stood in the shower, hands against the wall, and head hanging down, looking as though he might have been on the verge of tears.

Brian considered slipping into the shower behind him, taking Justin into his arms, and fucking whatever was wrong right out of him. He even started to unbutton his shirt, but Justin turned and saw him.

“Oh, hey.”

Brian opened the shower door and leaned against the side, looking at Justin, eyebrows up, waiting for him to talk.

“I’m just tired. Sometimes I really fucking miss Meg.”

Brian waited for the rest.

“She was Belle’s mom and when I get tired, when I feel like I can’t deal with another damn second of Belle being willful or too damn smart for her age, I always knew I could count on Meg to take over, and to love Belle just as much as I did. I miss that.”

Brian nodded, biting the inside of his lower lip.

“Are you getting in, or what?” Justin asked.

Brian stood back, unbuttoned his shirt, let it fall to the ground, Justin’s eyes following Brian’s hands down to the button on his jeans. The shower was putting off a good head of steam and Justin appeared in soft focus. Brian stepped into the water, feeling the heat on his shoulders, and taking up the space that Justin had occupied, leaving Justin wet in the corner, his back and shoulders red from the hot water.

Brian slid his arms around Justin’s slippery body, his cock bouncing against Justin’s already hard length. He kissed Justin’s neck, used his hand to lift Justin’s chin, angling for the sweet spot that would make Justin’s knees buckle.

“I want to be that person,” Brian whispered, surprising himself that the words were so easy to say.

“God, Brian,” Justin whispered, shuddering in his arms. “I’d like that.”

Justin didn’t have any condoms in the shower, so they moved to the bedroom, and after Justin slid a lubricated condom onto Brian’s cock, Brian pushed Justin onto the mattress face down. Justin’s head lifted from the bed, back arching, as Brian pressed the head of his cock into Justin’s sweet ass. Brian let his head fall down to Justin’s back as he thrust until his balls were tight against Justin’s thighs.

He never understood it. He’d fucked thousands of men but no one made him feel like Justin did, like Justin had almost from the start. No one else made him feel like he couldn’t get enough. Usually he was done with them before he’d even come. With Justin Brian wanted nothing more than to come immediately, to come for hours, to come for the rest of his life. With Justin Brian didn’t want to the sex to ever end, but with Justin the sex wasn’t even the most important part.

Justin rutted under him, fucking himself on Brian’s cock almost as hard as Brian was slamming it into him. Justin made those noises that Brian used to dream about and wake up shooting on his sheets, those guttural, deep voiced groans that shot through Brian’s cock, making Brian want to grab his own balls to keep from coming.

Brian ran his hands down Justin’s back, smooth skin and muscle moving under his touch. Justin’s hair was messy from rubbing his head against the mattress, shaking it back and forth, groaning.

“Harder,” Justin said, his voice almost a whisper.

Brian obliged, closing his eyes and riding the beautiful feeling of hot, tight, velvet ass squeezing his dick. He was so close, so fucking close. Justin slapped his thigh and Brian knew that Justin was going to come, and he was free to shoot whenever he reached the peak. Justin’s ass clenched and he grunted, Brian slapped Justin’s ass in response and dove in even harder, reaching for that perfect--

A scream cut through the room. Brian’s eyes flew open and Justin basically jumped off of his cock and off of the bed.

“Stop hurting my Daddy!”

Brian was speechless, his dick still wet and hard standing straight from his body, and Justin already grabbing the sheets, moving toward Belle, and ushering her from the room.

Jesus fucking Christ.

:::::

Belle’s sobs were loud enough that Brian could hear them in the bedroom. He wiped his dick off, pulled on some pants, and wished to God that he’d never said anything to Justin in the shower, just fucked him, and never said a goddamned word.

He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and exited the room, walking down the hall to the kitchen where Belle sat at the table with a glass of water, a cookie, and red swollen eyes.

“Sweetheart, we need to talk about this. Brian wasn’t hurting Daddy.”

“He was! He was! I saw!”

Justin buried his face in his hands for a moment.

“Belle,” Brian said, not sure where to start. It wasn’t like he could say, “Your Daddy likes it when I slap his ass. It makes him come even harder.” It wasn’t like he could say, “You see, when two men like each other a lot, they put their dicks in each other’s asses and make a lot of noise.” Or could he? Maybe that would work. “When two men like each other—“

“Not now, Brian,” Justin glared at him.

Brian shrugged helplessly.

“Daddy and Brian were just playing. Wrestling. We were playing like, um, cowboys,” Justin said.

“What the fuck, Sunshine?”

“She’s four!”

“She’s not retarded!” Brian countered.

“She’s four and we are not going there.”

Brian lifted his hands up in surrender and leaned against the counter. Belle regarded him with angry, suspicious eyes. This was going to cost him a lot more than that Barbie Castle. Brian wondered how much a Barbie Dream Vacation Cruise was going for. He’d call his assistant about it in the morning.

“Belle, Daddy and Brian were having some grown-up time. There are a lot of things that grown-ups do that are confusing for little kids. And this is that kind of play. It’s grown-up play. Do you understand?”

“No,” Belle sniffed. “He hit you.”

“Oh, baby, it was a playful hit, like…well,” Justin stopped, confounded and confused.

“Belle, when two men love each other sometimes they play naked games together and that’s something that’s only for grown-ups. When you’re closer to being a grown-up we’ll tell you more,” Brian said quickly before Justin could stop him.

“Naked games?” Belle asked. Then her eyes grew more serious and upset. “Like the fucking movies!”

Justin glared at Brian. “Thanks a lot. Very helpful.”

“Kind of like the fucking movies, Belle. Yes. But those movies aren’t real. They’re like Beauty & the Beast. They are just pretend. Real grown ups play naked games that are about having fun together and—“ Brian paused, feeling like he might choke on the next words. He looked to Justin who was sitting back in his seat, sheet wrapped around his waist, arms across his chest, and a look of near rage on his face. “Um, and about love. It’s a grown-up kind of love. You can only love that way as a grown up.”

“Oh, God, you suck at this,” Justin said.

“Like you’re doing much fucking better!”

Belle looked between them, her eyes still wet and shiny.

Brian dropped to his knees next to her chair and took her chin his his hand, looking her in the eye. “Belle, I promise, I would never hurt your Daddy. Never. As for the rest of it, well, that’s all complicated and confusing even for some grown-ups, but we can talk about it more if you want to. Do you believe me? I will never hurt your Daddy.”

Belle stared at him, her lip between her teeth. She suddenly burst into tears, grabbing Brian’s neck in a fierce hug, and burying her face in his shoulder. “I was scared!” she sobbed.

Brian rubbed her back, holding her tight, saying nothing until she stopped crying, agreed to drink some more water, went to the bathroom, and then let Justin rock her back to sleep, something she apparently hadn’t asked for in many months.

An hour later, Justin returned to the bed. Brian put aside the book he’d been staring at and not reading.

“Well…” Justin said, shaking his head. “I didn’t think I’d ever be mortified about sex again, not after telling my mom and my therapist that I liked dick, but, well, fuck.”

Brian said, “Wanna finish?”

“Finish?”

“I never got off.”

Justin rolled his eyes, slid down the bed, and Brian leaned back as Justin’s hot mouth engulfed his dick. Fifteen minutes later, Justin was wiping the back of his mouth with his hand, crawling up Brian’s body and asking, “So, do you still want to be that person?”

“Yeah,” Brian gasped. “But we are going to make fucking sure the door is locked from now on.”

“Good idea.”

::::


Brian continued to put off going home. The rest of the next week passed easily enough considering there was a small child in the household. Who knew that a four year old could be such tyrant? Brian generally sat back and watched Justin and Belle do battle, not sure whether it was annoying, amusing, or just background noise. Whatever it was, there were the other things that made up for it, like Justin’s morning bed head and Belle tucking herself into the curve of Brian’s arm to watch t.v. at night while he sorted emails. Small things that helped the days feel like some sort of reward Brian never felt like he’d quite earned.

Justin had stayed up half the night talking about the last ten years, asking questions about Brian’s life and telling Brian about his own. It’d been nice, intimate, and Brian felt warm and gooey inside whenever he looked Justin’s way the next morning, which had the effect of making him feel like slapping the shit out of himself, and also like the fucking luckiest guy alive.

The lock on Justin’s door was employed nightly, but they were also careful to be very quiet. Brian called his assistant and asked him to put out feelers for larger apartments in the area and to look into houses in Pittsburgh, because the loft wasn’t going to cut it. He made no mention of these things to Justin, though, because it seemed presumptuous after only a few weeks of being back together. He thought they were moving too fast, but at the same time, it felt like they’d taken ten years to get to where they should have been all along

After breakfast, Justin held Belle’s hand as they walked toward the corner. “So, you’ve got her crayons and her coloring book, and a fresh pair of pull-ups in case she has an accident.”

Brian nodded. Belle was wearing big girl panties most of the time now, but sometimes she still had a hard time controling her bladder.

“Okay, so…I’ll be back in about five hours. You’ve got my cell?”

“We’re good, Sunshine.”

Justin knelt down and hugged Belle. “Okay, sweetheart, Daddy is going to the gallery to talk to Miss Simone again, okay? Be good for Brian.” He stood up, peering into Brian’s face. “You’re sure about—“

“Shut up and leave.”

Justin hailed a cab and Brian was left with Belle. “Want to go to FAO Schwarz?” he asked.

Belle’s eyes lit up.

A cab ride and twelve hundred dollars later, Brian stood on the sidewalk with Belle as she devoured piece after piece of candy from clear cellophane bags. Most of the things he’d bought Belle, he’d arranged to have delivered, but he did hold a small bag of some Barbie clothes, and she clutched the candy territorially.

“Okay, Brian needs some coffee,” he said, almost choking when he realized that he’d referred to himself in the third person. “Um, I need some coffee,” he repeated.

Belle followed along beside him, never out of his reach, and he scanned the area for a coffee shop or a suitable café, crossing to E. 59th, and ducking into the first place with a chalkboard out front.

The coffee tasted like petroleum, but he didn’t care. Belle sat next to him sipping at a hot chocolate and chattering to him about something to do with somebody named Hannah Montana, which was apparently someone on DVDs that her Grandma had gotten her.

Suddenly, Belle was out of her chair and running across the restaurant. Brian almost spilled his coffee leaping up to follow after her, yelling, “Belle, get back here!”

He almost knocked a woman out of her chair bolting to reach Belle, and he came to a stumbling halt when she leaped into the arms of a dark haired man, wrapping her arms around his neck. Brian quickly moved again, reaching the man in two strides, and grabbing Belle’s body, ready to pull her away if necessary.

The man jerked Belle back from him, narrowing his eyes at Brian and saying, “And who the hell are you?”

“No, who the fuck are you?” Brian countered, a sudden rage rushing through him, fists clenching and ready to beat the shit of the man holding Justin’s daughter.

“It’s Jake!” Belle exclaimed, her eyebrows drawn low and confusion on her face. “This is Jake, Brian.”

Jake’s face changed immediately, as though he suddenly understood. “I see. I should have recognized you.” Jake tried to pass Belle back to Brian, but she clung tight.

“Well, I can’t say the same for you,” Brian answered coldly.

“No, I imagine not. I doubt he’s got a framed photo of me by the bed.”

Brian must have looked confused because Jake said, “Oh, I guess he had the sense to take it down before having you over. You can’t imagine how uncomfortable it is to try to—“ Jake looked at Belle. “Get intimate with someone while the love of their life is staring out of the picture by the bed.”

“We’re in a fucking café,” Brian said, clearly this asshole realized this wasn’t the time or the place. “Give me Belle and we’ll get out of your way.” His voice was soft but his words sounded like a threat.

Jake flushed, looking mortified and young. Brian realized that Jake was probably not even thirty yet. “Sure. Cocobelle, baby, go on with Brian, okay?”

Belle frowned. “But you never come by anymore. I miss you.”

Jake smiled, hugged her close, and touched his forehead to hers. “I know, Cocobelle. I miss you, too. Go on, now. Be a big girl and go with Brian.” He sat Belle down on the floor, but knelt beside her. “I love you, don’t forget it,” he whispered in her ear.

“I love you, too,” she said, kissing his cheek, tears in her eyes. “Can you come play soon?”

Jake looked up at Brian and then back at Belle. “No, darling. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because life isn’t fair. I do love you.” He kissed her forehead and stood up. “Bye, Cocobelle.”

Brian grabbed Belle’s hand as Jake walked out the door without buying any food. She stood staring at the closed door for a long time and when she started to cry, Brian picked her up, held her close, feeling lost and helpless.

::::

Brian looked out the window at Justin standing on the fire escape smoking a cigarette. Justin didn’t smoke much anymore, but Belle’s interrogation over dinner about why Jake couldn’t come to play had apparently worn him thin.

After making sure that Belle was still sleeping, Brian stepped through the window and joined Justin on the fire escape. The night air was crisp, almost too cold, and Brian grabbed a cigarette from the pack Justin kept hidden in a box on the window sill, lighting up for the warmth more than for the smoke.

They stood side by side in silence for a long time. Brian flicked his ash and watched it fall into the empty alley below.

“Was he good to you?” Brian asked, keeping his voice as flat as possible.

“Huh?”

“Jake. Did he treat you well?”

Justin turned to face Brian, took another long puff from his cigarette, and simply stared.

Brian sighed. “I’ve been thinking. I want her to be happy.”

Justin’s lips curled into an almost smile, and he dropped the cigarette, reaching up to touch Brian’s cheeks with both hands. “Well, then that makes two of us.”

Brian ducked his head and Justin stood on his toes, his lips warm and smoky on Brian’s, but Justin broke away after only a few moments, taking Brian’s cigarette, and turning his back to Brian, running a hand through his hair distractedly.

Brian stood awkwardly, feeling a shift in Justin’s mood. “Things go okay at the gallery?” he ventured.

“Same as ever.”

“Ah.”

Justin continued to brood, staring into the darkness below them, saying nothing.

Brian’s stomach tightened and he took a deep breath, holding it in. He moved to put his hands on the fire escape railing, the chill cutting into his hands, something to ground him. “I’m no good at this, Sunshine, and you know it. Can we just skip to the part where you tell me what’s wrong?”

Justin’s wry smile looked tired on his tight lips. “I talked to Daphne today. And my mother.”

Brian crossed his arms. “And what did those two illustrious women have to say that has you tied in knots?”

“They asked a lot of questions,” Justin said, his voice nearly a whisper. “A lot of good questions.”

Brian waited and when nothing more was forthcoming he turned Justin around to face him, ducked his head down, and said, “Questions like…?”

“Questions like what we’re doing together and how it affects Belle.”

Brian grimaced. “Daphne’s had a change of heart since she sent you to retrieve me?”

Justin scratched his ear and made a face. “I don’t know. Not really. She’s just…well, she seemed to think we would’ve talked about a lot of stuff that we haven’t. And my mom—well, she doesn’t have anything against you—“

Brian scoffed.

“Well, not anymore, but they both asked a lot of really good questions. All of which I should have thought of before.”

Brian indicated that Justin should go on. His heart was constricting in weird ways, and his palms were wet. “Spit it out.”

“Here’s the thing: I made a huge supposition in coming to Pittsburgh. I came to get you thinking mainly of myself and what I need and want in my life right now. I admit that some of my consideration was for Belle, what I had hoped the two of us could build for her, but most of it was for me. It was purely selfish on my part in so many ways, and I see now that I’ve compromised Belle in ways that I possibly shouldn’t.”

Brian blinked rapidly, trying to understand what Justin was saying without throwing up.

“And then there’s you. I mean, Brian, are you even happy? Is this even what you want? I see you every morning and you look so lost. And while I admit the look is ridiculously adorable on you, it’s also something that isn’t natural to you.”

“I’m getting used to things. This isn’t something I expected to be doing with my life.”

“That’s just it. It’s more than just being out of your element, you’re out of your world, and what am I asking you to give up? And for what? This is a life I partially chose and partially fell into, but to ask you to give up what’s important to you is presumptuous and self-centered. I see that now.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I just told you,” Justin snapped, rubbing his eyes. “I think we might be making a mistake and Belle’s the one who’s going to get hurt.”

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re scared.”

“I am not scared.”

“You can look me in the eye and tell me that what you’ve done, what we’ve done, and the choices we’ve made in the last several weeks don’t scare you?”

Justin looked him in the eye and then looked away, taking another drag on his cigarette.

“Listen, I’m a big boy, Justin. I can make my own decisions and I don’t need your mommy or your fag hag looking out for my best interests. I’ve done that my whole life and I’m doing it now.”

Justin shook his head, dismissing what Brian had said. “Let’s turn the tables, then. Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you’d be here in this situation if I wasn’t in it? Would you be involved with a man who had a kid, would you be looking into moving out of your loft—didn’t think I knew about that, did you? Oh, I know, Brian, I know about that—and can you tell me that you’d be doing all of that if it didn’t include me?”

“Of course not, but I don’t see what that has to do with—“

“Don’t you see, I can’t ask you to give up everything you’ve ever wanted in your life—unlimited freedom, sex with whoever whenever, never being responsible for anyone but yourself, never having a ball and chain or a wife or someone that you have to explain where you’ve been and why? And in exchange for what?”

Brian got in Justin’s face and said, “Shut up and listen to me, asshole, because I’m only going to say these things once. I’m not giving up anything that I don’t want to give up. You ask if I’d be doing this if it didn’t involve you, and the answer is no. Of course I fucking wouldn’t because there has never been anyone that I want to be with the way I want to be with you and there never will be. And as for what I’m giving up—coming home alone, waking up alone, doing drugs and men because I’m bored, working my ass off because I’m fucking lonely, and not being with you--well, I hate to break it to you, but it really isn’t anything that I’d regret leaving behind.”

Justin interrupted, “I get that, and I don’t want to sound like what you just said doesn’t mean a lot to me, but I don’t want the man I love giving up who he is…”

“This isn’t about sacrificing who I am and calling it love.” Brian leaned in and whispered in Justin’s ear, “Or maybe the person you thought you loved doesn’t really exist at all anymore. Now that could be problematic for us, Sunshine, couldn’t it?” Brian stepped back, heart pounding and blood racing, fear tight in his gut. He had a moment of thinking back over the day, wondering why he’d ever thought that Jake could be a problem when the problem was the same that it always had been: Brian wasn’t what Justin wanted, one way or another, he failed.

“I…don’t think that’s it. I know you. I’ve known you longer than you’ve known yourself,” Justin said softly, dropping the cigarette and approaching Brian carefully.

“Then what are you getting fucking moody for? Got your period or something?”

Justin closed his eyes and his lips curved into a smile. “I don’t know. You’re right.”

Brian embraced Justin, leaning his chin on his head. “Feeling better now?”

“Yeah. At least I know we talked about it, at least we got this stuff out there.”

“Doesn’t that make us mature, adult men, capable of maintaining a beautiful relationship,” Brian said in a voice full of faux wonder. “Let’s go fuck.”

“So romantic.”

“Can you think of a better way to end this discussion?”

“No, Mr. Kinney, I think it’s a great idea.”

::::

Brian rested his head on the pillows, watching Justin riding him in the darkness. Justin’s pale body moving up and down, his blond head tipped back, and his red mouth open and wet. He gripped Justin’s hips, slowing him down, making it last. Brian closed his eyes and thought the words he’d still been too proud to say, “Please, please, please never leave me again. I don’t want to live without you, even though I will if I have to, but, God, please don’t make me.”

When he lifted his lids, Justin was gazing at him with hot, sweet eyes, his expression so intense and concerned that Brian wondered if he’d somehow gotten the message.


::::

Procede to PART THREE